The past few days, weeks and unfortunately even months, I had kind of lost myself. It might not have been too visible, but I was completely going through a light internal struggle, a new me trying to permeate the transparent boundary surrounding my real self, the self that has always tried to fight the resisting forces, those that force you to believe or act in a certain way. I've always been kind of a rebel, so much so that even if there's a chance that I'd agree to something, I'd still first resist it a little. The thing is, I lowered my defenses and that was when the mean, external forces grabbed hold of me, seeped in through the loopholes and settled inside. I did not even quite know what had happened. There was a big change in the routine with the change in campus and with all the initial excitement, I was going through a million different emotions, unable to ascertain anything for sure, just swimming in them trying to stay afloat.
Just in the past few days when I could reflect back, I realized how pointless it all is. I mean, getting up with a heavy head at 5.30 in the morning, assaulting the mobile phone and pressing snooze ten times, finally getting up, running out at 7.15 without breakfast (who gets hungry just as they get up?), catching breath only on boarding the metro, keeping a hand on the pocket to ensure the new mobile phone doesn't pop out with all the running (yes yes. I ditched my lovable Nokia for a smartphone. I'll make up a post soon), then Metro-ing, then choosing between walking to college or taking a rickshaw, enduring sleep-inducing classes and then drinking a thousand cups of tea with Parle-G biscuits to keep us awake (okay, it's only in the early mornings), then trying to avoid the monkeys in the evenings, who are so mean they'd drop right by your side unexpectedly and if you have an ice-cream in your hand, don't contest it, just drop it and move away! Reaching home at 7.30 and feeling absolutely dizzy and sleepy. Still staying awake to do some useless assignment where you don't even use your brain because by that time you aren't left with any energy to use your mental faculties, then after a little bit of socializing - or rather, talking to friends who help you survive the days - you drop dead asleep and then follow the same routine. Before you know, a month has passed you by and you're being faced with a week full of mid-sem exams (already!) and then there comes a point when you just don't want to give a damn!
That's when something strikes and you remember your old self, your previous, uncaring and I-don't-give-a-damn self when you stopped all the things you had to do and just blogged randomly. *Takes a deep breath* That's how it is now. A yet-to-do assignment, three mid-sem tests in the week, presentations and all such useless stuff. I was motivated with the scholarship thingy, that you get a few thousand bucks per semester if you fall into the top six and having earned it twice, I turned greedy. But I realized, it's not worth it. My head hurts everyday, I'm more worried about the fact I'll forget every thing, I'll be useless even after MBA, than actually trying to learn and understand what is being taught. I'm sorry, I can't compromise on happiness and laughter because of this. I can still do well in life, thank you very much.
It's been a couple of days that I've been feeling exceedingly light and happy, far more happy than I've been in ages. I've dropped the extra, redundant efforts put into college stuff, I've stopped caring about 'other' people, I've been sticking to my promises (mostly), trying to make people who matter to me, smile a little bit wider, I've met and laughed with friends who matter the most-est to me and it feels exceptionally good. I can't help smiling, or laughing at the tiniest things. I don't mind the slight backache when we randomly go to ride a kids' dragon ride and sitting there stuck because the seats are too small, because we're having crazy fun. I have very few close friends. I'm not much of a hey-you're-my-best-friend person. My best friends have all landed in my life from awesome planets from where they were sent to take care of an extremely adorable soul a.k.a. me :P You bet, they're so lucky they once cried, everyone all at once, just thinking about their awesome luck. Okay, I'll stop before I get murdered before even writing in my will where my books should go. Because you know, some of those best friends have got their eyes on my bookish treasures. -_-
Yeah so. One of these special people is about to start a new phase in life, for which we're all super excited of course and we met yesterday to celebrate it. Like one of us said afterwards, 'it was awesome. Happiness, emotions, fun, all rolled into one', which perfectly summarizes those moments. It was just like a closure on all the negativity. I don't just care. I'm cool with everything, I don't want to think about stuff that's tension-inducing. Mind you, you self-obsessed folks-who-can't-just-rest-until-the-world-listens-to-what-they-have-to-say, if you've read this and if you still try to create that pathetic environment around me once again, you're going to get a royal ignore plus a fall in any pinch of respect I've still got for you. I've bounced back to being myself. I think I've put back a stronger cover. You know how when in school, people ask what you want to be when you grow up and you say something that sounds really impressive. Even now when I'm told or suggested by well wishers, some avenues for a career where I can foray into, I'm not concerned about anything but the real 'job' I'd be doing. "What is the work?" is what matters to me. No one seems to get it, though.
Another thing I have always been clear about is that whatever I do, it should make me happy. Call it being self-centered or whatever. If I'm not happy with it, I'm not doing it. I'm not a person who can live with a sinking feeling all the time. I need boosting up, I need great friends for that, I need to feel happy and awesome and light from within. I'm not that strong when I've to deal with separations. I hate separations. If I've ever loved you in any way, I don't want to let go, not even temporarily. Permanence is a killer. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Call it a weakness or discuss it in an 'intra-personal process' class in psych, I don't care. That's how I am. I need happiness and after months of trying to understand what's being going on inside, I think I've found it. I've got amazing family, even extended ones. So welcoming and always loving. I've got some friends I can't think to part with. In a weird weird weird world if I could have my way, I would have set up a nice camp on a beautiful countryside, but with mountains in the distance and woods and streams flowing by, and living with all those I love. No matter who they are or where they've come from. I'm happy, everywhere I look, I see people smiling. The little kid in the park who says a high-pitched 'Hi', the person at the metro station you accidentally bumped into, smiling and nodding instead of staring daggers, feeling connected to everyone you see.... it's all a nice, warm feeling I never want to let go. No matter what you give me, dear life, I know what it is to be happy and I intend to keep it to myself. Forever. :D
|A place like this? Super yes! :D :P|
PS- Hiya! I've got loads to share. Hint hint: another metro diaries post too! :D How have you all been? :)